Dreams to be anxiety free has moved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please come and find me here:
http://dreamstobeanxietyfree.wordpress.com/
Look forward to seeing you there :)
Monday, 27 May 2013
Sunday, 12 May 2013
How would you describe your OCD?
I got thinking about how to describe OCD to the lucky souls that don't have this condition. I have had a few terrible days with it when I thought I was getting a handle on it and it's hard to say to people "actually iiiitttttt's back!" People try to be understanding of course but because they don't see so much of the struggle (it's the secret disease after all) I think we all hear the words "little" in relation to it a bit too often.
"You're a little bit OCD", "Are you a little bit obsessive?" Feel free to fill in the blank I'm sure we've all heard it and sometimes I feel like screaming there is NOTHING small about it!! In my experience it is huge, it is all encompassing, it eats my days and swallows my dreams.
SO when I was talking to someone about it I came up with an analogy. It's my analogy of 'Pure O' to explain it to the lay person who hasn't been down that dark road and so I told them that OCD is a bit like chicken pox (bear with me). At first I was a bit baffled about where I was going with this but suddenly it started to kind of work. After all people love a comparison with physical illness - they can get their heads around that one.
So here it is, my 'Pure O' is like having chicken pox.
Remember having chicken pox and how consuming that terrible itch was? Well that's my thoughts, they're the itch. They're all I can think about, every hour of the day and it takes over the whole of me. I'm constantly examining the spots, wondering what I can do about them. You know you shouldn't scratch but yet it's all you want to do.
Well meaning people tell you to "just not think about it" and so you dutifully try. Surely it can't be that hard to be restrained? To not scratch at them until they bleed and you're in misery? After all that's in your best interests so why wouldn't you do it? No one wants to suffer. And yes that works for a while, but the itch is still there as a dull ache and eventually when you're not expecting it, it rears its head and in fact it seems to feel worse, causing a feeling of such acute distress and helplessness - it's all you can think about again until you're practically screaming in pain...
And so you have a good old scratch, you allow yourself to really immerse yourself in it until you're sighing with relief convinced that you've solved it, got rid of it for good. You smile thinking that you know best after all and perhaps those people with their ideas and solutions to make it better, well they're well meaning but what do they know after all? Satisfied you start to cautiously go about your business but then slowly, surely (sometimes quickly, rapidly) the itch is back, taunting you, telling you that you need to attend to it, something needs to be done....
You think that sleep might help, it will be soothing, surely it will get rid of some of the pain for a while. But even in your dreams the itch is there, a shadowy figure giving your sleep a restless and agitated quality.
When morning comes, you're starting to feel a little desperate and you feel like you're going to have chicken pox for ever, nothing seems to be making it better and you feel scared, swathed in a blanket of terror. You start asking family and friends, what do they think of your itch? Can they help? In your mind a good in depth conversation about your spots is going to be fascinating for all concerned. But really you're only going to be comfortable with exceptionally good friends or family seeing your spots up that close and so you start trying to cover them up, presenting a front to the rest of humanity of normality - nothing to see here!
It is unbearably painful, isolating and frightening, nothing small about it whatsoever.
So how about you? Does that make sense to you or was it just a crazy blog post about chicken pox...What would your analogy be? How would you describe your OCD to those who don't have it? I'd love to hear any ideas :)
"You're a little bit OCD", "Are you a little bit obsessive?" Feel free to fill in the blank I'm sure we've all heard it and sometimes I feel like screaming there is NOTHING small about it!! In my experience it is huge, it is all encompassing, it eats my days and swallows my dreams.
SO when I was talking to someone about it I came up with an analogy. It's my analogy of 'Pure O' to explain it to the lay person who hasn't been down that dark road and so I told them that OCD is a bit like chicken pox (bear with me). At first I was a bit baffled about where I was going with this but suddenly it started to kind of work. After all people love a comparison with physical illness - they can get their heads around that one.
So here it is, my 'Pure O' is like having chicken pox.
Remember having chicken pox and how consuming that terrible itch was? Well that's my thoughts, they're the itch. They're all I can think about, every hour of the day and it takes over the whole of me. I'm constantly examining the spots, wondering what I can do about them. You know you shouldn't scratch but yet it's all you want to do.
Well meaning people tell you to "just not think about it" and so you dutifully try. Surely it can't be that hard to be restrained? To not scratch at them until they bleed and you're in misery? After all that's in your best interests so why wouldn't you do it? No one wants to suffer. And yes that works for a while, but the itch is still there as a dull ache and eventually when you're not expecting it, it rears its head and in fact it seems to feel worse, causing a feeling of such acute distress and helplessness - it's all you can think about again until you're practically screaming in pain...
And so you have a good old scratch, you allow yourself to really immerse yourself in it until you're sighing with relief convinced that you've solved it, got rid of it for good. You smile thinking that you know best after all and perhaps those people with their ideas and solutions to make it better, well they're well meaning but what do they know after all? Satisfied you start to cautiously go about your business but then slowly, surely (sometimes quickly, rapidly) the itch is back, taunting you, telling you that you need to attend to it, something needs to be done....
You think that sleep might help, it will be soothing, surely it will get rid of some of the pain for a while. But even in your dreams the itch is there, a shadowy figure giving your sleep a restless and agitated quality.
When morning comes, you're starting to feel a little desperate and you feel like you're going to have chicken pox for ever, nothing seems to be making it better and you feel scared, swathed in a blanket of terror. You start asking family and friends, what do they think of your itch? Can they help? In your mind a good in depth conversation about your spots is going to be fascinating for all concerned. But really you're only going to be comfortable with exceptionally good friends or family seeing your spots up that close and so you start trying to cover them up, presenting a front to the rest of humanity of normality - nothing to see here!
It is unbearably painful, isolating and frightening, nothing small about it whatsoever.
So how about you? Does that make sense to you or was it just a crazy blog post about chicken pox...What would your analogy be? How would you describe your OCD to those who don't have it? I'd love to hear any ideas :)
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
OCD poem
OCD
A terrible thought that sits in my mind,
So toxic and poisonous it sends shivers down my spine,
What does it mean? Who does it make me?
My blood runs cold, convinced I'm crazy.
It tells me I don't know myself,
That I can't trust my core,
There's nothing for it but to worry some more.
And so it begins...
It's velvety voice whispers softly to me,
Just one more time and then you'll be free.
But freedom is a prison,
A trick of the light,
A promise that is broken,
A never ending fight.
The not knowing, the endless doubt,
A minute of certainty that trickles away -out,
The need to know, the all consuming fear,
The exhaustion that's there when night draws near.
Still morning dawns and it dances with glee,
Seductively purring just one more time and then you'll be free.
But freedom is a prison,
A trick of the light,
Shadows that dance,
You can never make it right.
It makes truths of lies,
It distorts thoughts into facts,
It's a long, hard battle to find your way back.
OCD
I've been wanting to write a post about OCD for a while now. I always talk about anxiety but OCD deserves a post all of it's own it's such a nightmare.
OCD is so hard to explain to someone that doesn't have it and to be honest I struggle to get my head around it too. I really want to emphasise that I can't talk about other people's experiences of OCD as even from looking at other people's blogs I can see that it affects people in such different ways, although all just as horrendous the next.
The first thing I want to say is that OCD is a b**ch. There's no other way to describe it except to say that it's a clever, conniving trickster that plays with people's minds.
OK now we have that introduction out of the way, here's a little bit about my own experience with OCD.
I have had it since I was young (hindsight is a beautiful thing I obviously didn't realise this is what it was at the time). I am lucky, (if I can use that word in relation to this) in that my OCD has come and gone over the years. It appears that in my case it's related to stress so I fall headlong into it when other things in my life are stressing me out which is why since the beginning of the year it's been particularly bad.
I have gone through a range of the classic OCD worries including worrying as a teenager about losing control of myself around knives. Then I moved onto a fear of contamination particularly in relation to dirty needles and HIV. Walks in the park were anxiety provoking as was walking barefoot on a beach, in fact what am I talking about? I didn't do that for the longest time.
I remember going on a school trip abroad and someone asking me before we went if I was looking forward to it. My response? "No not really, I'm worried there will be needles there". Not every child's average answer in relation to a holiday.
For the most part, I have a type of OCD also known as 'Pure O', there are no obvious compulsions although I do actually have checking behaviours which I will talk about more in a minute but they can't be seen so anyone looking at me would probably not really know anything was wrong (except maybe for a look of frozen panic on my face). Pure O tends to be having really awful, intrusive thoughts often driven by a fear of being a bad person or being responsible for something.
It's described on the OCD UK website as: "Pure-O is a form of OCD in which sufferers are plagued by unwanted, troublesome thoughts that they despise beyond measure".
I would like to be able to describe to you some of my own current 'Pure O' thoughts but unfortunately because the nature of them is so awful - so shame inducing my OCD tells me that it wouldn't be a good idea to put it on the internet because other people might believe it of me and then what would happen (never mind that I write under a pseudonym, OCD doesn't work with that kind of logic).
See people with OCD are often aware that the thinking is skewed - that the things they worry about are highly improbable but it's the element of doubt that it feeds on. OCD LOVES doubt and uncertainty, they're best friends in it's little game.
I'll give you one example of a Pure-O thought, it's not one of my own - I know this lets OCD have the power but I don't feel able to just yet. However, this is one I can relate to and can imagine how it goes. I know that some people worry incessantly about whether or not they may have killed someone and just don't remember doing it or didn't realise they did it. This is exactly how OCD works - it's the "What if?" part of it.
I'm sure other people who don't have OCD are wondering how you can worry about something that quite clearly isn't true. Well believe me you can, I know that I can ruminate for hours just searching for that elusive certainty, to eradicate all doubt.
And that my friends is my compulsion. With a lot of my OCD fears I will sit and rake through my memory, sift through all happenings in my life. For others the compulsion might be physically checking something, so they might repeat the car journey a hundred times over just to be absolutely sure they didn't hit anybody. Most of my compulsions are mind based although not all. I can be having a conversation with a friend but all the while mentally searching, searching for something, anything.
People might think that doesn't sound so bad just searching through a few memories but I cannot emphasise how anxiety provoking and tiring it is. This is not just me having a tea break at work and thinking maybe I'll just scan my memory now - this is all the time, all the hours of the day, sorting through all my memories even from when I was a small child - and if I can't remember things from when I was a small child well I'll be damned if that will let that stop me. I have spent days at a time just focusing on one of my obsessive worries and trying to work out if it could be true.
OCD can also often lead to a lot of avoidant behaviours so for example someone might avoid their car or they might avoid being around knives. See how it escalates until it's strangling your existence within an inch of it's own life?
So here is my example of a Pure O obsession. I'm going to use the example of whether or not I killed somebody, just because it's not a worry I've had so I feel more comfortable putting it out there but you can pretty much insert any awful, abhorrent thought into this dialogue.
OCD: Hey here's a thought, what if you killed someone and you didn't realise you'd done it.
Me: Well that's crazy I would remember how could I not?
OCD: Well you know it's possible that you just blanked it out and you're in denial.
Me: Well that's insane, I'm sure I would remember...... wouldn't I? And anyway there would be evidence and there's not (ha take that OCD!).
OCD: No, no you're mistaken, it would be perfectly easy for you to kill someone and not even know about it.
Me: Weeeeellll I guess you have a point, but what can I do, if I don't remember, I don't remember (yeah OCD I'm hanging on).
OCD: Oh you sweet innocent thing, of course it's not OK to just not be sure. You need to know 'beyond all reasonable doubt' that you didn't do anything. Imagine if you did, you would have a responsibility to tell somebody.
Me: (Slightly shrilly) But who am I supposed to have killed? Wouldn't I have heard about this by now?
OCD: Forget the details! You just haven't heard the news yet or no one's found the body, I really think you should try hard to remember what you did.
Me: (By now feeling sick and panicky) God you're right, this is terrible, thank you OCD I really should try to remember what I did, how shit would that make me if I didn't try to remember and then I didn't own up to my crime. But how can I remember if I don't remember?
OCD: (with a sly smile) Well it's just a suggestion but why don't you have a look back through your memories, see if there's anything there.
Me: Great idea! I'm going to sit and pore through all my memories, one by one and see if anything comes up.
Hours/days later....
Me: (Momentarily triumphant) Nope I definitely don't have any memories so it can't be true can it?
OCD: Are you sure? Did you really look back through all your memories? Maybe there's something you missed? Are you sure you can account for every moment?
Me: (Feeling sicker and sweatier) Well there were some blanks and of course the times when I'm sleeping so I suppose I didn't remember EVERYTHING.
OCD: (Now getting impatient) Well that's no good, go back and try again, you need to be sure, absolutely sure, anything less isn't good enough. Maybe as well as scanning your memories keep double checking too with family and friends (no I'm sure they won't mind, why would they find it irritating?) Maybe also then whilst you're at it just avoid things that you could use to kill somebody and as a last resort you could scan/check your body see if you have any signs of having killed anybody (such as blood on your hands).
Me: (Panic stricken) Sure thing OCD, anything you say, I'll get on it now.
OCD: You're making me so proud, just keep looking, remember you need to be absolutely sure.
And on and on and on and on it goes until you feel like you're losing your mind (and then in my case that becomes another obsessive worry).
I hope this has given a bit of an insight into the nightmare that is OCD and hopefully challenged some of those thoughts that it's just someone who "likes things a bit tidy or a bit clean". Chances are if you like any aspect of it then it's not OCD.
xx
PS. I'm receiving CBT for my OCD and I'm working on challenging my own Pure O thoughts.
OCD is so hard to explain to someone that doesn't have it and to be honest I struggle to get my head around it too. I really want to emphasise that I can't talk about other people's experiences of OCD as even from looking at other people's blogs I can see that it affects people in such different ways, although all just as horrendous the next.
The first thing I want to say is that OCD is a b**ch. There's no other way to describe it except to say that it's a clever, conniving trickster that plays with people's minds.
OK now we have that introduction out of the way, here's a little bit about my own experience with OCD.
I have had it since I was young (hindsight is a beautiful thing I obviously didn't realise this is what it was at the time). I am lucky, (if I can use that word in relation to this) in that my OCD has come and gone over the years. It appears that in my case it's related to stress so I fall headlong into it when other things in my life are stressing me out which is why since the beginning of the year it's been particularly bad.
I have gone through a range of the classic OCD worries including worrying as a teenager about losing control of myself around knives. Then I moved onto a fear of contamination particularly in relation to dirty needles and HIV. Walks in the park were anxiety provoking as was walking barefoot on a beach, in fact what am I talking about? I didn't do that for the longest time.
I remember going on a school trip abroad and someone asking me before we went if I was looking forward to it. My response? "No not really, I'm worried there will be needles there". Not every child's average answer in relation to a holiday.
For the most part, I have a type of OCD also known as 'Pure O', there are no obvious compulsions although I do actually have checking behaviours which I will talk about more in a minute but they can't be seen so anyone looking at me would probably not really know anything was wrong (except maybe for a look of frozen panic on my face). Pure O tends to be having really awful, intrusive thoughts often driven by a fear of being a bad person or being responsible for something.
It's described on the OCD UK website as: "Pure-O is a form of OCD in which sufferers are plagued by unwanted, troublesome thoughts that they despise beyond measure".
I would like to be able to describe to you some of my own current 'Pure O' thoughts but unfortunately because the nature of them is so awful - so shame inducing my OCD tells me that it wouldn't be a good idea to put it on the internet because other people might believe it of me and then what would happen (never mind that I write under a pseudonym, OCD doesn't work with that kind of logic).
See people with OCD are often aware that the thinking is skewed - that the things they worry about are highly improbable but it's the element of doubt that it feeds on. OCD LOVES doubt and uncertainty, they're best friends in it's little game.
I'll give you one example of a Pure-O thought, it's not one of my own - I know this lets OCD have the power but I don't feel able to just yet. However, this is one I can relate to and can imagine how it goes. I know that some people worry incessantly about whether or not they may have killed someone and just don't remember doing it or didn't realise they did it. This is exactly how OCD works - it's the "What if?" part of it.
I'm sure other people who don't have OCD are wondering how you can worry about something that quite clearly isn't true. Well believe me you can, I know that I can ruminate for hours just searching for that elusive certainty, to eradicate all doubt.
And that my friends is my compulsion. With a lot of my OCD fears I will sit and rake through my memory, sift through all happenings in my life. For others the compulsion might be physically checking something, so they might repeat the car journey a hundred times over just to be absolutely sure they didn't hit anybody. Most of my compulsions are mind based although not all. I can be having a conversation with a friend but all the while mentally searching, searching for something, anything.
People might think that doesn't sound so bad just searching through a few memories but I cannot emphasise how anxiety provoking and tiring it is. This is not just me having a tea break at work and thinking maybe I'll just scan my memory now - this is all the time, all the hours of the day, sorting through all my memories even from when I was a small child - and if I can't remember things from when I was a small child well I'll be damned if that will let that stop me. I have spent days at a time just focusing on one of my obsessive worries and trying to work out if it could be true.
OCD can also often lead to a lot of avoidant behaviours so for example someone might avoid their car or they might avoid being around knives. See how it escalates until it's strangling your existence within an inch of it's own life?
So here is my example of a Pure O obsession. I'm going to use the example of whether or not I killed somebody, just because it's not a worry I've had so I feel more comfortable putting it out there but you can pretty much insert any awful, abhorrent thought into this dialogue.
OCD: Hey here's a thought, what if you killed someone and you didn't realise you'd done it.
Me: Well that's crazy I would remember how could I not?
OCD: Well you know it's possible that you just blanked it out and you're in denial.
Me: Well that's insane, I'm sure I would remember...... wouldn't I? And anyway there would be evidence and there's not (ha take that OCD!).
OCD: No, no you're mistaken, it would be perfectly easy for you to kill someone and not even know about it.
Me: Weeeeellll I guess you have a point, but what can I do, if I don't remember, I don't remember (yeah OCD I'm hanging on).
OCD: Oh you sweet innocent thing, of course it's not OK to just not be sure. You need to know 'beyond all reasonable doubt' that you didn't do anything. Imagine if you did, you would have a responsibility to tell somebody.
Me: (Slightly shrilly) But who am I supposed to have killed? Wouldn't I have heard about this by now?
OCD: Forget the details! You just haven't heard the news yet or no one's found the body, I really think you should try hard to remember what you did.
Me: (By now feeling sick and panicky) God you're right, this is terrible, thank you OCD I really should try to remember what I did, how shit would that make me if I didn't try to remember and then I didn't own up to my crime. But how can I remember if I don't remember?
OCD: (with a sly smile) Well it's just a suggestion but why don't you have a look back through your memories, see if there's anything there.
Me: Great idea! I'm going to sit and pore through all my memories, one by one and see if anything comes up.
Hours/days later....
Me: (Momentarily triumphant) Nope I definitely don't have any memories so it can't be true can it?
OCD: Are you sure? Did you really look back through all your memories? Maybe there's something you missed? Are you sure you can account for every moment?
Me: (Feeling sicker and sweatier) Well there were some blanks and of course the times when I'm sleeping so I suppose I didn't remember EVERYTHING.
OCD: (Now getting impatient) Well that's no good, go back and try again, you need to be sure, absolutely sure, anything less isn't good enough. Maybe as well as scanning your memories keep double checking too with family and friends (no I'm sure they won't mind, why would they find it irritating?) Maybe also then whilst you're at it just avoid things that you could use to kill somebody and as a last resort you could scan/check your body see if you have any signs of having killed anybody (such as blood on your hands).
Me: (Panic stricken) Sure thing OCD, anything you say, I'll get on it now.
OCD: You're making me so proud, just keep looking, remember you need to be absolutely sure.
And on and on and on and on it goes until you feel like you're losing your mind (and then in my case that becomes another obsessive worry).
I hope this has given a bit of an insight into the nightmare that is OCD and hopefully challenged some of those thoughts that it's just someone who "likes things a bit tidy or a bit clean". Chances are if you like any aspect of it then it's not OCD.
xx
PS. I'm receiving CBT for my OCD and I'm working on challenging my own Pure O thoughts.
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Change
Some days when I'm having a particularly difficult day and my brain feels like it doesn't fit my skull anymore, I feel detached from myself because I don't recognise this person and I can't stop obsessing over the same old thoughts and then I start to wonder when things will ever change.
Every day in my lunch break I go for a big long walk. I think it's good to get some time out of the office, partly to get away from the lady who chews so loudly its enough to give anyone a nervous breakdown but also because my job is really stressful and so I value that measly 1 hour to myself. I have been trying to use it as an opportunity to be mindful so I do mindful walking. Sounds a little out there but to be honest at the moment I'm willing to give anything a go!
So today whilst I was walking and focusing on the sensations in my feet and saying to myself "I am walking" (I appreciate that may look a little unusual so if you see someone that looks like they're concentrating suspiciously hard on their feet give me a smile!) I had a bit of a realisation....things will change because that is the nature of the world, everything continues to move on, putting one foot in front of the other. Nothing ever really remains the same. Tides change, seasons change, change is at the centre of everything.
Even if things seem awful for days/months on end if you truly think about it even the landscape of 'awful' has shifted and changed. It might not be any better but it won't be exactly the same either.
For example, I have felt like everything has been the same for the last couple of months and in panicky moments I question how it's been possible to have been in the same place emotionally since the New Year. I say to my sisters "why isn't anything changing, why do I still feel the same?!" but yet actually if I look at that picture a little closer I can see that things are different - they might be subtle things but they are changes none the less. I realised that I hadn't even really noticed that these days I don't wake up trembling or that I don't wake up with a tense jaw and wisdom teeth that are ground down with stress - granted it may not seem like much to some but actually these little things can all make us feel like there is hope. I have realised that sometimes I am so busy contemplating just how awful it all feels that I forget to look for what is not so bad. I'm quick to judge when I have a bad day or when things are a little worse but the little achievements often pass me by.
It could be something like just not dreading going into work as much as you normally would or falling asleep a little quicker than you sometimes do but they're all changes.
Someone said to me that things can't sustain themselves for ever, there has to be peaks and troughs, highs and lows, dips in the ferocity and maybe that's all we can hope for for now. Not an instant cure or a miracle but just a day when we wake up and it's not accompanied by nausea, or being able to partake in a conversation that maybe two weeks ago would have passed us by entirely being so distracted by our thoughts.
So all I can say is keep on putting one foot in front of another, some days it might feel like a steep climb, you may rest for days on end and not move at all, some days it may feel like the sun is never going to shine from behind that cloud but I am trying to remind myself that I'm not staying in one place even if it sometimes feels like I am.
So my mantra for yesterday which was a particularly difficult day with lots of obsessive thoughts is : #Look for the changes no matter how small, you will see that you are moving forward.
Every day in my lunch break I go for a big long walk. I think it's good to get some time out of the office, partly to get away from the lady who chews so loudly its enough to give anyone a nervous breakdown but also because my job is really stressful and so I value that measly 1 hour to myself. I have been trying to use it as an opportunity to be mindful so I do mindful walking. Sounds a little out there but to be honest at the moment I'm willing to give anything a go!
So today whilst I was walking and focusing on the sensations in my feet and saying to myself "I am walking" (I appreciate that may look a little unusual so if you see someone that looks like they're concentrating suspiciously hard on their feet give me a smile!) I had a bit of a realisation....things will change because that is the nature of the world, everything continues to move on, putting one foot in front of the other. Nothing ever really remains the same. Tides change, seasons change, change is at the centre of everything.
Even if things seem awful for days/months on end if you truly think about it even the landscape of 'awful' has shifted and changed. It might not be any better but it won't be exactly the same either.
For example, I have felt like everything has been the same for the last couple of months and in panicky moments I question how it's been possible to have been in the same place emotionally since the New Year. I say to my sisters "why isn't anything changing, why do I still feel the same?!" but yet actually if I look at that picture a little closer I can see that things are different - they might be subtle things but they are changes none the less. I realised that I hadn't even really noticed that these days I don't wake up trembling or that I don't wake up with a tense jaw and wisdom teeth that are ground down with stress - granted it may not seem like much to some but actually these little things can all make us feel like there is hope. I have realised that sometimes I am so busy contemplating just how awful it all feels that I forget to look for what is not so bad. I'm quick to judge when I have a bad day or when things are a little worse but the little achievements often pass me by.
It could be something like just not dreading going into work as much as you normally would or falling asleep a little quicker than you sometimes do but they're all changes.
Someone said to me that things can't sustain themselves for ever, there has to be peaks and troughs, highs and lows, dips in the ferocity and maybe that's all we can hope for for now. Not an instant cure or a miracle but just a day when we wake up and it's not accompanied by nausea, or being able to partake in a conversation that maybe two weeks ago would have passed us by entirely being so distracted by our thoughts.
So all I can say is keep on putting one foot in front of another, some days it might feel like a steep climb, you may rest for days on end and not move at all, some days it may feel like the sun is never going to shine from behind that cloud but I am trying to remind myself that I'm not staying in one place even if it sometimes feels like I am.
So my mantra for yesterday which was a particularly difficult day with lots of obsessive thoughts is : #Look for the changes no matter how small, you will see that you are moving forward.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Anxiety Symptoms
I was scanning the internet the other day and came across a list on an anxiety website (thank you Anxiety Centre) that listed common anxiety symptoms. I have to say this had to be one of the most reassuring things EVER - many of the symptoms I experience I know are anxiety symptoms but some of the ones I have I hsf convinced myself were not the symptoms of anxiety but actually a sign that something even more serious was wrong (I should have just realised that this was the whispering voice of anxiety but nooooo I just lived with the cold certainty that really only someone with anxiety does that anxiety was the least of my worries because obviously there's actually something more serious wrong with me, I mean obviously!).
So I'm going to post the list below and believe me it's long - this list isn't even exhaustive so if you're experiencing a symptom that's not on there don't clutch your heart and think oh god I really am losing my mind because I assure you it will be anxiety being a sneaky devil and trying to trick you. I'm going to highlight the ones that I experience, not necessarily all the time but they will all be ones I've had at some time or another. I'm doing this not because I'm on some kind of weird sympathy trip but because I want to highlight a) just how much anxiety can play with you b) to reassure others out there that it's not just you and c) because I want to try and tackle some stigma.
People make huge generalizations that people with mental health/emotional health can't work or are somehow set up to fail in life and let's face it I've presumably internalised some of that stigma somewhere along the road hence why when I feel anxious I spiral into a panic that starts the journey at I'm not going to be able to cope at work, takes in the view of I'm never going to be able to work again and stops the car at I will feel I've failed in life. Those ideas didn't come from no-where and I'd be willing to hazard a guess they have their roots in society's stigma of those with mental illnesses so I'm going to try and do my bit to challenge it. If people can see that I suffer any number of these symptoms and yet still plod to work - yes some days I may not be the most fun person in the office but hey frankly I'm willing to forego that honour and just make it through the working day and you know what I think I do a fairly good job.
So here is that list - I have to say thank you to Anxiety Centre for this as I've taken it from there, although made some changes as there were some things repeated and so on but it is their work. I have highlighted the symptoms I experience in bold so read it and I hope it reassures you:
Common anxiety symptoms include:
Body (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the body in general):
Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions)
Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles
Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin)
Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin
Body aches, parts of or your entire body feels sore and achy, feels like your body and muscles are bruised
Body jolts
Body shakes
Body tremors
Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature
Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin
Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders
Buzzing sensation in the feet, toes, hands, fingers, arms, legs
Chest pain, chest tightness
Choking
Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out
Clumsiness, feeling clumsy, co-ordination problems with the limbs or body
Cold chills, feeling cold
Craving sugar, sweets, chocolate, usual craving for sugar and sweets
Difficulty speaking, moving mouth, talking, co-ordination problems with the mouth or tongue
Dizziness, feeling lightheaded
Electric shock feeling, body zaps
Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax
Falling sensation, feel like your are falling or dropping even though you aren't
Feel like you are going to pass out or faint
Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
Frequent urination
Head Zaps
Heart palpitations, racing heart
Hyperactivity, excess energy, nervous energy
Increased or decreased sex drive
Infection - increased infections, persistent infection
Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
Muscles that vibrate, jitter, tremor, or shake when used
Muscle twitching
Nausea
Nausea vomiting
Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
Persistent muscle tension, stiffness
Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
Pulsing or throbbing muscles. Pulsing or throbbing sensation.
Red skin, skin looks like or is turning red
Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
Sexual Dysfunction, sexual uninterest
Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
Shooting pains in the face
Shooting pains in the scalp or head
Skipped heart beats
Sore or tight scalp or back of the neck
Startle easily
Sweating, uncontrollable profuse sweating
The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason
Tingling sensations, anywhere on the body, including the hands, feet, legs, arms, head, mouth, chest, groin area
Trembling, shaking, tremors
Twitching
Warm spells
Weak - feel weak, weakness, low energy, light, soft, like you may faint
Weak legs, arms, or muscles
Chest (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the chest area):
Chest tremors, trembling in the chest, chest feels like it is vibrating
Chest pain or discomfort
Concern about the heart
Feel like you have to force yourself to breathe
Find it hard to breathe, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
Frequent yawning to try and catch your breath
Heart Palpitations – beating hard or too fast, rapid heartbeat
Heart - Irregular heart rhythms, flutters or ‘skipped’ beats, tickle in the chest that makes you cough
Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
Fears (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with fear):
A heightened fear of what people think of you
Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits
Constant feeling of being overwhelmed.
Fear of being in public
Fear of dying
Fear of losing control
Fear of impending doom
Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
Fear of passing out
Fear that you are losing your mind
Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations
Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings
Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness
Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable
Need to sit near exits
Head (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the head):
Brain fog
Burning, itchy, tight scalp
Dizziness or light-headedness
Frequent headaches, migraine headaches
Feeling like there is a tight band around your head, pressure, tightness
Hair loss, hair is thinning, or clumps of hair are falling out
Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
Head zaps, head tremors
Giddiness
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
Shooting pains in the face
Shooting pains in the scalp or head
When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards
Sore jaw that feels like a tooth ache
TMJ (Temporo-Mandibular Joint) - clenching of the jaw or grinding of the teeth
Hearing/Ear(s) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with hearing):
Feel like there is something stuck in your ear, that your ear canal it plugged or blocked, that there is a pebble in your ear that you can't get out
Low rumbling sounds
Reduced hearing, frequent or intermittent reduced hearing or deafness in one or both ears
Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head
Pulsing in the ears, throbbing sound in the ear(s)
Tickle or itch in your ear that you can't seem to get at
Mind (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mind and thinking):
Afraid of everything
Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling
Brain Fog
Deja Vu, a feeling like you've done or experienced something before
Depersonalization
Derealization
Desensitization
Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss
Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations
Disorientation
Fear of going crazy
Fear of losing control
Fear of impending doom
Feelings of unreality
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
Having difficulty concentrating
Nightmares, bad dreams
Obsession about sensations or getting better
Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information
Short-term memory impairment, can't remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago
Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out
"Stuck" thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that "stick" in your mind and replay over and over again.
Trapped in your mind feeling
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders
Mood / Emotions (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with mood, emotions, and feelings):
Always feeling angry and lack of patience
Depersonalization
Depression
Dramatic mood swings (emotional flipping)
Emotionally blunted, flat, or numb
Emotions feel wrong
Everything is scary, frightening
Feeling down in the dumps
Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike
Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
Feel like crying for no apparent reason
Have no feelings about things you used to
Not feeling like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
You feel like you are under pressure all the time
Mouth/Stomach (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mouth and stomach):
A ‘tinny’, ‘metallic’ or ‘ammonia’, or unusual smell or taste
Aerophagia (swallowing too much air, stomach distention, belching)
Burning mouth, feeling like the inside of your mouth is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these together or at different times
Burning tongue, feeling like your tongue is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these, or all of these together or at different times
Choking
Constant craving for sugar or sweets
Constipation
Diarrhea
Difficulty swallowing
Difficulty talking, pronouncing certain letters or sounds, mouth feels like it isn't moving right, slurred speech
Dry mouth
Feeling like you can’t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat
Feeling like your tongue is swollen
IBS
Lack of appetite or taste
Lump in the throat, tight throat, something stuck in your throat
Mouth muscles twitching/jumping
Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
Nausea
Nausea or abdominal stress
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
Teeth grinding
The thought of eating makes you nauseous
Tight throat, lump in throat
Tongue symptoms - Tingly, “stretched,” numb, frozen, itchy, “crawly,” burning, twitching, “jumpy,” aching, sore, or swollen tongue (when it isn’t).
Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom
Vomiting
Skin (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the skin):
Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Skin problems, infections, rashes
Sleep (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sleep):
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams
Hearing sounds in your head that jolt you awake
Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night
Jolting awake
Waking up in a panic attack
You feel worse in the mornings
Sight (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sight):
Distorted, foggy, or blurred vision
Dry, watery or itchy eyes
Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn’t there, stars, flashes
Eyes sensitive to light
Spots in the vision
Flashing lights when eyes are closed
Your depth perception feels wrong
Touch (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with touch):
Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
Feeling cold or chilled
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Pain
Tingling, pins and needles feelings
Other anxiety symptoms are described as:
Being like a hypochondriac, muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.
In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:
• Having a heart attack
• Having a serious undetected illness
• Dying prematurely
• Going insane or losing your mind
• Suddenly snapping
• Losing it
• Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love
• Losing control of your thoughts and actions
• Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself
• Losing control
• Fainting in public
• Not breathing properly
• Losing control of reality
• Choking or suffocating
• Being alone
So I'm going to post the list below and believe me it's long - this list isn't even exhaustive so if you're experiencing a symptom that's not on there don't clutch your heart and think oh god I really am losing my mind because I assure you it will be anxiety being a sneaky devil and trying to trick you. I'm going to highlight the ones that I experience, not necessarily all the time but they will all be ones I've had at some time or another. I'm doing this not because I'm on some kind of weird sympathy trip but because I want to highlight a) just how much anxiety can play with you b) to reassure others out there that it's not just you and c) because I want to try and tackle some stigma.
People make huge generalizations that people with mental health/emotional health can't work or are somehow set up to fail in life and let's face it I've presumably internalised some of that stigma somewhere along the road hence why when I feel anxious I spiral into a panic that starts the journey at I'm not going to be able to cope at work, takes in the view of I'm never going to be able to work again and stops the car at I will feel I've failed in life. Those ideas didn't come from no-where and I'd be willing to hazard a guess they have their roots in society's stigma of those with mental illnesses so I'm going to try and do my bit to challenge it. If people can see that I suffer any number of these symptoms and yet still plod to work - yes some days I may not be the most fun person in the office but hey frankly I'm willing to forego that honour and just make it through the working day and you know what I think I do a fairly good job.
So here is that list - I have to say thank you to Anxiety Centre for this as I've taken it from there, although made some changes as there were some things repeated and so on but it is their work. I have highlighted the symptoms I experience in bold so read it and I hope it reassures you:
Common anxiety symptoms include:
Body (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the body in general):
Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions)
Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles
Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin)
Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin
Body aches, parts of or your entire body feels sore and achy, feels like your body and muscles are bruised
Body jolts
Body shakes
Body tremors
Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature
Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin
Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders
Buzzing sensation in the feet, toes, hands, fingers, arms, legs
Chest pain, chest tightness
Choking
Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out
Clumsiness, feeling clumsy, co-ordination problems with the limbs or body
Cold chills, feeling cold
Craving sugar, sweets, chocolate, usual craving for sugar and sweets
Difficulty speaking, moving mouth, talking, co-ordination problems with the mouth or tongue
Dizziness, feeling lightheaded
Electric shock feeling, body zaps
Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax
Falling sensation, feel like your are falling or dropping even though you aren't
Feel like you are going to pass out or faint
Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
Frequent urination
Head Zaps
Heart palpitations, racing heart
Hyperactivity, excess energy, nervous energy
Increased or decreased sex drive
Infection - increased infections, persistent infection
Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
Muscles that vibrate, jitter, tremor, or shake when used
Muscle twitching
Nausea
Nausea vomiting
Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
Persistent muscle tension, stiffness
Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
Pulsing or throbbing muscles. Pulsing or throbbing sensation.
Red skin, skin looks like or is turning red
Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
Sexual Dysfunction, sexual uninterest
Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
Shooting pains in the face
Shooting pains in the scalp or head
Skipped heart beats
Sore or tight scalp or back of the neck
Startle easily
Sweating, uncontrollable profuse sweating
The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason
Tingling sensations, anywhere on the body, including the hands, feet, legs, arms, head, mouth, chest, groin area
Trembling, shaking, tremors
Twitching
Warm spells
Weak - feel weak, weakness, low energy, light, soft, like you may faint
Weak legs, arms, or muscles
Chest (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the chest area):
Chest tremors, trembling in the chest, chest feels like it is vibrating
Chest pain or discomfort
Concern about the heart
Feel like you have to force yourself to breathe
Find it hard to breathe, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
Frequent yawning to try and catch your breath
Heart Palpitations – beating hard or too fast, rapid heartbeat
Heart - Irregular heart rhythms, flutters or ‘skipped’ beats, tickle in the chest that makes you cough
Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
Fears (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with fear):
A heightened fear of what people think of you
Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits
Constant feeling of being overwhelmed.
Fear of being in public
Fear of dying
Fear of losing control
Fear of impending doom
Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
Fear of passing out
Fear that you are losing your mind
Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations
Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings
Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness
Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable
Need to sit near exits
Head (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the head):
Brain fog
Burning, itchy, tight scalp
Dizziness or light-headedness
Frequent headaches, migraine headaches
Feeling like there is a tight band around your head, pressure, tightness
Hair loss, hair is thinning, or clumps of hair are falling out
Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
Head zaps, head tremors
Giddiness
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
Shooting pains in the face
Shooting pains in the scalp or head
When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards
Sore jaw that feels like a tooth ache
TMJ (Temporo-Mandibular Joint) - clenching of the jaw or grinding of the teeth
Hearing/Ear(s) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with hearing):
Feel like there is something stuck in your ear, that your ear canal it plugged or blocked, that there is a pebble in your ear that you can't get out
Low rumbling sounds
Reduced hearing, frequent or intermittent reduced hearing or deafness in one or both ears
Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head
Pulsing in the ears, throbbing sound in the ear(s)
Tickle or itch in your ear that you can't seem to get at
Mind (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mind and thinking):
Afraid of everything
Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling
Brain Fog
Deja Vu, a feeling like you've done or experienced something before
Depersonalization
Derealization
Desensitization
Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss
Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations
Disorientation
Fear of going crazy
Fear of losing control
Fear of impending doom
Feelings of unreality
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
Having difficulty concentrating
Nightmares, bad dreams
Obsession about sensations or getting better
Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information
Short-term memory impairment, can't remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago
Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out
"Stuck" thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that "stick" in your mind and replay over and over again.
Trapped in your mind feeling
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders
Mood / Emotions (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with mood, emotions, and feelings):
Always feeling angry and lack of patience
Depersonalization
Depression
Dramatic mood swings (emotional flipping)
Emotionally blunted, flat, or numb
Emotions feel wrong
Everything is scary, frightening
Feeling down in the dumps
Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike
Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
Feel like crying for no apparent reason
Have no feelings about things you used to
Not feeling like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
You feel like you are under pressure all the time
Mouth/Stomach (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mouth and stomach):
A ‘tinny’, ‘metallic’ or ‘ammonia’, or unusual smell or taste
Aerophagia (swallowing too much air, stomach distention, belching)
Burning mouth, feeling like the inside of your mouth is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these together or at different times
Burning tongue, feeling like your tongue is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these, or all of these together or at different times
Choking
Constant craving for sugar or sweets
Constipation
Diarrhea
Difficulty swallowing
Difficulty talking, pronouncing certain letters or sounds, mouth feels like it isn't moving right, slurred speech
Dry mouth
Feeling like you can’t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat
Feeling like your tongue is swollen
IBS
Lack of appetite or taste
Lump in the throat, tight throat, something stuck in your throat
Mouth muscles twitching/jumping
Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
Nausea
Nausea or abdominal stress
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
Teeth grinding
The thought of eating makes you nauseous
Tight throat, lump in throat
Tongue symptoms - Tingly, “stretched,” numb, frozen, itchy, “crawly,” burning, twitching, “jumpy,” aching, sore, or swollen tongue (when it isn’t).
Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom
Vomiting
Skin (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the skin):
Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Skin problems, infections, rashes
Sleep (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sleep):
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams
Hearing sounds in your head that jolt you awake
Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night
Jolting awake
Waking up in a panic attack
You feel worse in the mornings
Sight (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sight):
Distorted, foggy, or blurred vision
Dry, watery or itchy eyes
Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn’t there, stars, flashes
Eyes sensitive to light
Spots in the vision
Flashing lights when eyes are closed
Your depth perception feels wrong
Touch (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with touch):
Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
Feeling cold or chilled
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Pain
Tingling, pins and needles feelings
Other anxiety symptoms are described as:
Being like a hypochondriac, muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.
In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:
• Having a heart attack
• Having a serious undetected illness
• Dying prematurely
• Going insane or losing your mind
• Suddenly snapping
• Losing it
• Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love
• Losing control of your thoughts and actions
• Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself
• Losing control
• Fainting in public
• Not breathing properly
• Losing control of reality
• Choking or suffocating
• Being alone
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
The challenges of mindfulness
I've done mindfulness on and off for a while now but have really upped my game plan since being hit with my recent anxiety.
I've been meditating every evening before I go to sleep - I do also sometimes fall asleep and I'm sure it wasn't developed for snoozing, I suppose I feel that I would rather be going into a nice relaxed sleep (which lets face it sometimes eludes us when we're feeling anxious - 2 hours of sleep last night people!) that I don't worry myself too much about it.
I use Jon Kabat Zinn's guided body scan meditation. I recently described it as the highlight of my day, which probably sounds really tragic but it's basically down to the fact that it's the part of the day where I can relax, have some respite from my screaming thoughts and feel like I'm doing something good for myself. That's not to say that it's not without it's challenges and these have been worrying me (so what's new?!) so I thought I'd write this post and see if anyone else out there struggles with some of the same things....
1) Silencing the inner critic- I would like to hazard a guess that those of us with anxiety are probably pretty hard on ourselves and it really likes to feed on my mindfulness time. So for instance I know that it's natural to lose focus during meditation and for the mind to wander, I try to tell myself that I'm not judging and that I'm just accepting it for what it is but the devil on my shoulder insists on saying that I'm having a crap session, that I can't do it and that I'm a hopeless meditator. There's nothing more distracting than two parts of your brain competing to have the final say about whether or not it's going well.
2) Cultivating acceptance - I really struggle with this even though I know it is a large part of mindfulness. As far as I understand it, it's the idea that we accept our state,thoughts, feelings, sensations just as they are. So for instance at work today I was feeling anxious, I went to the loo to do a couple of minutes of mindfulness (glamorous mindfulness location!) and I tried to uncritically observe my feelings and sensations. I tried to accept and therefore not mind that I felt like my breakfast was about to possibly end up in my bosses lap and that I feel like I'm losing my mind but the honest/true part of me really does mind all this. How do you accept something that you're really not OK with? Or am I actually being mindful by being aware that I'm not OK with it, in which case maybe I'm being mindful about being mindful?!
3) Not going into it with expectations - This is similar to the above but I suppose it's something that feels really relevant for me. I try to tell myself that I'm not doing it with the hope that it'll 'cure' me or make everything better but again that truthful part of myself is saying that's absolutely what I'm doing. I think especially when I read all the all-singing, all dancing testimonies from people that state that even after a couple of sessions they already notice a difference and so on, it's hard not to get my hopes up with that sales pitch! Now here's the thing...I don't think I do notice a very big difference to my anxiety and I definitely don't have the little bursts of joy that I read people talking about. OK for the period of the session I'm relaxed because I'm not focusing on my thoughts but it is sometimes just a quick hop, skip and a jump right back to feeling anxious again. If I'm totally honest I feel a lot of disappointment when that happens because the brutally honest part of myself is thinking "I'm putting in the hours so where are my rewards?" (again so far not so very mindful). That leads me to be very hard on myself (thoughts such as I'm probably not doing it properly and why does it work for everyone else and not me) and then I've just gone full circle back to Point 1. So is it about lowering my expectations?
As you can probably tell from these points, I'm a bit of an over-thinker!
I really love the idea of mindfulness and will continue to do it and keep it as a part of my day and just try to see what happens and enjoy the journey, but wow that devil on my shoulder has a loud voice sometimes.
So what do other people think? Any people who have the same problems? Any people who've overcome these challenges?
All thoughts welcome (except if you're going to be hard on me, I think we've established I do enough of that already).
xx
I've been meditating every evening before I go to sleep - I do also sometimes fall asleep and I'm sure it wasn't developed for snoozing, I suppose I feel that I would rather be going into a nice relaxed sleep (which lets face it sometimes eludes us when we're feeling anxious - 2 hours of sleep last night people!) that I don't worry myself too much about it.
I use Jon Kabat Zinn's guided body scan meditation. I recently described it as the highlight of my day, which probably sounds really tragic but it's basically down to the fact that it's the part of the day where I can relax, have some respite from my screaming thoughts and feel like I'm doing something good for myself. That's not to say that it's not without it's challenges and these have been worrying me (so what's new?!) so I thought I'd write this post and see if anyone else out there struggles with some of the same things....
1) Silencing the inner critic- I would like to hazard a guess that those of us with anxiety are probably pretty hard on ourselves and it really likes to feed on my mindfulness time. So for instance I know that it's natural to lose focus during meditation and for the mind to wander, I try to tell myself that I'm not judging and that I'm just accepting it for what it is but the devil on my shoulder insists on saying that I'm having a crap session, that I can't do it and that I'm a hopeless meditator. There's nothing more distracting than two parts of your brain competing to have the final say about whether or not it's going well.
2) Cultivating acceptance - I really struggle with this even though I know it is a large part of mindfulness. As far as I understand it, it's the idea that we accept our state,thoughts, feelings, sensations just as they are. So for instance at work today I was feeling anxious, I went to the loo to do a couple of minutes of mindfulness (glamorous mindfulness location!) and I tried to uncritically observe my feelings and sensations. I tried to accept and therefore not mind that I felt like my breakfast was about to possibly end up in my bosses lap and that I feel like I'm losing my mind but the honest/true part of me really does mind all this. How do you accept something that you're really not OK with? Or am I actually being mindful by being aware that I'm not OK with it, in which case maybe I'm being mindful about being mindful?!
3) Not going into it with expectations - This is similar to the above but I suppose it's something that feels really relevant for me. I try to tell myself that I'm not doing it with the hope that it'll 'cure' me or make everything better but again that truthful part of myself is saying that's absolutely what I'm doing. I think especially when I read all the all-singing, all dancing testimonies from people that state that even after a couple of sessions they already notice a difference and so on, it's hard not to get my hopes up with that sales pitch! Now here's the thing...I don't think I do notice a very big difference to my anxiety and I definitely don't have the little bursts of joy that I read people talking about. OK for the period of the session I'm relaxed because I'm not focusing on my thoughts but it is sometimes just a quick hop, skip and a jump right back to feeling anxious again. If I'm totally honest I feel a lot of disappointment when that happens because the brutally honest part of myself is thinking "I'm putting in the hours so where are my rewards?" (again so far not so very mindful). That leads me to be very hard on myself (thoughts such as I'm probably not doing it properly and why does it work for everyone else and not me) and then I've just gone full circle back to Point 1. So is it about lowering my expectations?
As you can probably tell from these points, I'm a bit of an over-thinker!
I really love the idea of mindfulness and will continue to do it and keep it as a part of my day and just try to see what happens and enjoy the journey, but wow that devil on my shoulder has a loud voice sometimes.
So what do other people think? Any people who have the same problems? Any people who've overcome these challenges?
All thoughts welcome (except if you're going to be hard on me, I think we've established I do enough of that already).
xx
Saturday, 9 February 2013
Feel creative
It's good to be creative when you're feeling anxious - after all the best artists were tortured souls no? So let's use it for something good. I find it helps to be mindful as it provides a focus other than your thoughts and it provides a comforting distraction.
I went to a pottery place the other day and painted the plate that you will see below. It was just simple but it resonated with me and provided me with optimism (the words on the plate are my own).
So the task for the weekend is to get creative!
Monday, 4 February 2013
Conflicting advice
So we've all been there. You're doing some research and you read something that says take vitamin B tablets, then someone else has written about how great acupuncture is and then CBT and Reiki and on it goes until you're head is spinning with all the possibilities of how to treat your anxiety.
This is the beauty and the downfall of the internet - knowledge is power but it's also a giant red herring.
Unfortunately, I'm not here to add anything new to what will or won't help, I'm in as much of a quandry as the rest of you probably. I think one of the things I've found hardest to decipher is that some people say acceptance is key and that actually fighting the anxiety makes it worse. So I try to be all zen and cool with the fact that my insides are tying themselves up in knot and I frequently feel like I may vomit. I can't figure out though whether looking for things to treat your anxiety is the same as fighting it?? Can you have acceptance whilst also looking for things to improve the quality of your life or are they mutually exclusive?
I stumbled across this website the other day Anxiety No More which has been developed by a guy who had anxiety for 10 years. His big philosophy appears to be that fighting the anxiety and trying to drive it out of your life is just ultimately going to give it more power. So today I have tried that philosophy and every time I felt anxious or afraid I noticed it, said to myself "I'm feeling anxious but that doesn't mean I can't continue with what I was doing". Funnily enough for a very simple philosophy I did actually find it helpful. I don't think that means that I will stop doing other things, for instance I don't think daily meditation is going to do me any great harm or have anxiety banging down my door with a giant axe. I'm also going to try CBT as I do think it may help in the long run with my obsessive thoughts. However, I think with the more immediate sensations of anxiety I may just try noticing it but not giving it any more power than that.
Other than that I think it's just important to do things you feel comfortable with and most importantly that offer you some level of comfort.
So my thought for the day is:
*****Acceptance allows us to keep moving forward*****
This is the beauty and the downfall of the internet - knowledge is power but it's also a giant red herring.
Unfortunately, I'm not here to add anything new to what will or won't help, I'm in as much of a quandry as the rest of you probably. I think one of the things I've found hardest to decipher is that some people say acceptance is key and that actually fighting the anxiety makes it worse. So I try to be all zen and cool with the fact that my insides are tying themselves up in knot and I frequently feel like I may vomit. I can't figure out though whether looking for things to treat your anxiety is the same as fighting it?? Can you have acceptance whilst also looking for things to improve the quality of your life or are they mutually exclusive?
I stumbled across this website the other day Anxiety No More which has been developed by a guy who had anxiety for 10 years. His big philosophy appears to be that fighting the anxiety and trying to drive it out of your life is just ultimately going to give it more power. So today I have tried that philosophy and every time I felt anxious or afraid I noticed it, said to myself "I'm feeling anxious but that doesn't mean I can't continue with what I was doing". Funnily enough for a very simple philosophy I did actually find it helpful. I don't think that means that I will stop doing other things, for instance I don't think daily meditation is going to do me any great harm or have anxiety banging down my door with a giant axe. I'm also going to try CBT as I do think it may help in the long run with my obsessive thoughts. However, I think with the more immediate sensations of anxiety I may just try noticing it but not giving it any more power than that.
Other than that I think it's just important to do things you feel comfortable with and most importantly that offer you some level of comfort.
So my thought for the day is:
*****Acceptance allows us to keep moving forward*****
Thursday, 31 January 2013
On Joy and Sorrow - Kahlil Gibran
Sometimes when we're feeling sad or anxious it can help to read something that someone else has written (and often much more eloquently!). I love this poem by Kahlil Gibran as it really leaves you with hope.
Enjoy xx
On Joy and Sorrow
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Kahlil Gibran
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Obsessive/intrusive thoughts
Obsessive/intrustive thoughts in my experience are the lesser known part of OCD. Everyone talks of someone they know who likes their towels lined up in the same order, washes their hands excessively and so on but there's another type of OCD sometimes known as 'Pure O' which doesn't get as much airtime.
I suppose I just want to say to anyone who's reading this is that obsessive/intrusive thoughts can be very distressing and don't be afraid to seek some help. I wish I had done so earlier or at least recognised that what I was experiencing were intrusive thoughts rather than just convincing myself that they're real and I'm just some awful, slightly crazy person. Of course the nature of having intrusive thoughts is that often because they have distressing content you don't want to share them with anyone for fear that they do actually think you're an awful, slightly crazy person. And so the cycle goes on. I'd really recommend going on the OCD UK website as it gives a really clear overview of it all and also offers support for people who feel scared/nervous/anxious about sharing with people that this is what they're going through. They also have a Twitter page.
I'd also recommend this link to the Royal College of Psychiatrists. which has great information about OCD.
As for treatment, different people will find different things helpful. I'm about to start CBT as a lot of my research has thrown up that it seems to be an effective way of treating it. I've had a really hard time organising it though. I went through my GP first of all but then became anxious that all the content of my intrusive thoughts would be on my medical records so I decided to go privately. Wow people are making some good money out of other people's misery!! It's really expensive! I think I may have just found someone that I can afford so fingers crossed it works out. I will provide an update on how it's going somewhere down the line.
I'm also trying acupuncture (and I hate needles so you can imagine how desperate I am!) so we'll see if that yields any results.
So what about you? What have you found has helped in your quest to beat the obsessive thoughts?
I suppose I just want to say to anyone who's reading this is that obsessive/intrusive thoughts can be very distressing and don't be afraid to seek some help. I wish I had done so earlier or at least recognised that what I was experiencing were intrusive thoughts rather than just convincing myself that they're real and I'm just some awful, slightly crazy person. Of course the nature of having intrusive thoughts is that often because they have distressing content you don't want to share them with anyone for fear that they do actually think you're an awful, slightly crazy person. And so the cycle goes on. I'd really recommend going on the OCD UK website as it gives a really clear overview of it all and also offers support for people who feel scared/nervous/anxious about sharing with people that this is what they're going through. They also have a Twitter page.
I'd also recommend this link to the Royal College of Psychiatrists. which has great information about OCD.
As for treatment, different people will find different things helpful. I'm about to start CBT as a lot of my research has thrown up that it seems to be an effective way of treating it. I've had a really hard time organising it though. I went through my GP first of all but then became anxious that all the content of my intrusive thoughts would be on my medical records so I decided to go privately. Wow people are making some good money out of other people's misery!! It's really expensive! I think I may have just found someone that I can afford so fingers crossed it works out. I will provide an update on how it's going somewhere down the line.
I'm also trying acupuncture (and I hate needles so you can imagine how desperate I am!) so we'll see if that yields any results.
So what about you? What have you found has helped in your quest to beat the obsessive thoughts?
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Sunday night anxiety
It's that time of the week where most of us are staring down the barrel of a working week. Until my most recent bout of anxiety I generally didn't dread work too much, no more than the average person but lately I find myself feeling winded just thinking about going in. I think it's because I get into a cycle of "what if" catastrophic thoughts that make it feel like it will be insurmountable.
So to give you an example - right now I find myself thinking:
What if I feel panicky and can't concentrate and then it impacts on my work? That then leads onto... what if my boss thinks I'm incompetent and bad at my job? Which in turn leads to what if I need to take time off because I'm panicking and that shows up on future employment references?
Before I know it I've convinced myself that no one will ever want to employ me and that I'll be living on the streets in no time. By the time I've thought all of that (which can take merely a matter of seconds and can happen without me even really noticing that I'm doing it) I'm feeling sweaty palmed and shaky at the idea of going in.
Of course there are some truths about the difficulty of working lives combined with anxiety or any mental health problems for that matter (and I think I'll probably touch on that later on in the blog as it's something I feel quite passionate about) but I have also realised that I need to challenge some of this negative thinking and catch it in it's tracks.
So tonight before I go to sleep and before I do my meditation I'm going to have a think about putting some positive thoughts down on paper to counteract my negative ones. Perhaps I will share them with the blog when I've developed them a little.
I've also realised through a lot of reading and research that acceptance seems to be a big key to defeating the feelings. So feel free to join me in saying or writing down - I am aware that I feel anxious and this is OK.
Good night, may your sleep be full of peace and your dreams full of happiness.
xx
#maythemoonbethekeeperofyourworrieswhileyousleep
So to give you an example - right now I find myself thinking:
What if I feel panicky and can't concentrate and then it impacts on my work? That then leads onto... what if my boss thinks I'm incompetent and bad at my job? Which in turn leads to what if I need to take time off because I'm panicking and that shows up on future employment references?
Before I know it I've convinced myself that no one will ever want to employ me and that I'll be living on the streets in no time. By the time I've thought all of that (which can take merely a matter of seconds and can happen without me even really noticing that I'm doing it) I'm feeling sweaty palmed and shaky at the idea of going in.
Of course there are some truths about the difficulty of working lives combined with anxiety or any mental health problems for that matter (and I think I'll probably touch on that later on in the blog as it's something I feel quite passionate about) but I have also realised that I need to challenge some of this negative thinking and catch it in it's tracks.
So tonight before I go to sleep and before I do my meditation I'm going to have a think about putting some positive thoughts down on paper to counteract my negative ones. Perhaps I will share them with the blog when I've developed them a little.
I've also realised through a lot of reading and research that acceptance seems to be a big key to defeating the feelings. So feel free to join me in saying or writing down - I am aware that I feel anxious and this is OK.
Good night, may your sleep be full of peace and your dreams full of happiness.
xx
#maythemoonbethekeeperofyourworrieswhileyousleep
Why the blog?
The word anxiety is thrown around all the time. Everyone knows what it is to feel scared and yes to feel anxious, it can be helpful in many circumstances making sure we know when there is danger and sometimes even pushing us to do well.
This blog is for those where feeling anxious has gone beyond helpful - where it feels like it's become a permanent guest, one you've asked to leave many times, you've told them that you don't like the things they say, the way they make you feel but still they cling on, saying not very nice things, stamping their feet. That's anxiety.
Just to give a brief outline, I'm someone who gets bouts of feeling anxious (I don't even really like the word anxiety, it feels too much like an identity so I'm trying to train myself not to use it). Ever since I was young I can remember having obsessive thoughts, some of which are very distressing and provoke extreme feelings of fear, no scrap that terror. At my worst, if the feelings get too much I vomit spontaneously, no doubt to expel some of the pressure and panic that builds up in my body. I have had long periods where it hasn't been a problem (even though some of the obsessive thoughts have still been there). I've built up some avoidant strategies and that has kind of seen me through. Right now I'm having a flare up of anxiety, a rush of obsessive thoughts and general feelings of panic.
The purpose of this blog is not to over-share and divulge all the ins and outs of my obsessive thoughts or worries but it's to provide some reassurance I suppose to me and others, a place of safety if you will where we can just come and say "today I feel anxious". I like the idea of posting things that are soothing and so that will really be the main aim.
Please feel free to post comments (I will aim to reply) but please be aware that I am not a counsellor and if you are finding things really difficult there are professionals who can help and who you can be put in touch with.
*There is hope and where there is hope there is strength*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)